TEMP

Get with the Halloween Spirit

Even in tough times like these, families of Penguins still huddle together to celebrate Halloween.
At this time of year, the prizes don't go to the scariest or most original costumes, but to the most confusing.
This year at the P.U. we will be having a costume contest. As a H.O.O.M.A.N. I am, sadly, unable to compete, but I would like to show you Mr. Flibble's costume (Pictured above) which after a lot of hard work he has finally finished.

Can you guess what he is?
.....

That's okay... neither can I. I think he's dressing up as a cat dressing up as a Penguin. He's sure to win!
In other knews, life has been more or less quiet at the P.U. as we lie low, waiting for the outcome of the US election. It will change everything for the us.... If Obama wins, the Penguins will be able to appeal to his humanitarian side, and perhaps gain control over the 'greatest' country on earth.
If Mcain gets in office...
well....
then it's onto Plan B. With super top secret Penguin technology they will give him a deadly disease that will ensure that Palin takes his place in office. That said, they will appeal to her through cute Penguin themed clothing items, and slowly take over her mind. This is a dangerous plan, because corruption of the Penguin insctruction entering her brain is highly likely.

If you like the Penguins, VOTE OBAMA!
Soon you too will be under their fluffy cuddly rule.

Comming up next on PUK (Penguins United Knews)
"How Flamingos are really just large, pink Penguins"

Tragic Sickness Sweeps Antarctica

Beginning with the drop in temperature as Antarctica falls into it's icy autumn, a new sickness has swept the civilian population. It is believed that the disease known as "Tragic Penguin Mooing Syndrome" was brought in by a P.U. special forces officer from Brazil. He reports that upon going there, he was caught in the Mardi-Gra celebrations, and found himself face to face with a large cow wearing plastic beads and drunkenly singing "My Country Tis Of Thee." Ralf, the officer in question, was instantly in love, and the two of them enjoyed a romantic night together hitting some of Brazil's nastier bars.
The dawn of the next day found Ralf alone on the streets of a hot, forreign country, close to death and mooing uncontrolably. He dragged himself into the dimly lit lobby of the nearest P.U. office, where some H.O.O.M.A.N.s took care of him and nursed him back to health. All of his mooing had subsided until he was returned to antarctica and his wife, who contracted the disease as well.
Penguin Mooing Syndrome, (Or PMS for short) is proving itself to be the most devistatin STD to ever sweep the Penguin nation. Mother can pass it on to their unborn children through the shell of the egg, and as of now, there is no cure.

Life with PMS is difficult for a penguin, who can't hide the disease from others, due to his inappropriate and random mooing. Whether or not the disease is fatal is not yet known, but P.U. researchers have been working around the clock to study the Syndrom with hopes of a cure.
DON'T LET PMS HAPPEN TO A PENGUIN YOU'RE CLOSE TO.
Educate your Penguins about PMS and encourage them to use protection. With your help, PMS won't affect any more helpless souls.

Stop PMS today.

Back in Hippyville

Yes, after much sneaking around, I've returned to my home base in Hippyville, looking to enter another school year, where I can be close with the Janitors of America and persuade them not to join their brethren of the U.K. At the moment, I'm preparing for the Annual P.U. Hooman Worker Retreat, that will take place in some unspecified place in the Oregon coastal woods.

This is the first year I've been invited to the retreat, and I must say, it doesn't sound very exciting. I dislike most my human allies as it is, and MORE time with them would be... taxing. But Flibble says I HAVE to go. After all, it's good P.R., and the best reputation is by word of mouth.

So, I've packed by sunscreen and bug repellant, and off I go to sing insincere songs about ever lasting friendship with a group of people whose closest relationships involve spontaneous, unfaithful sex and and argument over who broke the copier.

So long, till next time.
-Kawfi

Project Babel Fysh

CLICK THE TITLE!
The Penguins have chosen to include me in yet another one of their plans. Being fascinated by languages, I have long been on a quest to learn many of them. Yesterday, Flibble approached me in my secret place of hiding and informed me that as I am the P.R. department, I must learn as many languages as I can. I was thrilled. They are aiding me in my quest with a little thing called "Project Babel Fysh." In honor of Douglas Adams. (I tried to tell them that fish isn't spelled with a "y", but do they ever listen?)

My handle is now Babel Fish on every Penguin controlled radio channel. Oh? Didn't I tell you? The Penguins have their own radio system. Sort of like H.A.M. Radios, but They're P.U.R.S. instead. (Penguins United Radio System.) General Huggles had Einstein design them for us, and there is only 7 in the whole world, of which I am a proud owner. Well... actually, Flibble is a proud owner, and since I am his Hooman (Honorable Orator Of Man An Newt.) Man being humans, and Newt being, well.. Newts. I Orate (Talk) about the suffering of Newts everywhere and how this affects the P.U., and about what Man is up to.

Besides that, nothing much is happening here. The Penguins are very upset about the upcoming election, because though they're candidate was defeated early on by both Obama AND Hillary.
"Elections everywhere are just becoming too much work to rig now that everyone's trying to do it." Said an Election Worker Penguin yesterday. "We couldn't even succeed in Russia, and that's a place old enough to get direct officials on site." Now that Hooman degrees have been being distributed to Homosapien allies, the P.U. feels that they should send their officials out to get the Newts on board with the Electron Crew.
"You see, Newts are marvelous creatures." Says Huggles, "They are small, go unnoticed, and can inhabit a much more diverse area then us Penguins. Kamakaze newts can even drop themselves into people's morning drinks, killing off the candidates we don't want running. It would look like an accident, after all, who is going to blame a Newt for murder?"

In reaction to the Hooman and Newt campaigns, the Blue Footed Boobies have started a campaign to kill off as many Newts as possible. Aiding them in their cause with cleaners and pest control officers, are the U.K.'s janitors.
American janitors are being tainted to! Protect the Newts! Even if it means recycling a little more and remembering not to dump things in storm drains, you can do it. It's what's right.

For those supporters wishing to do more, write to your local P.U. office. A donation would be nice, too.

Back! My Recent Adventures Undercover

Yes. It's true. After over a year I have returned. I've got so much knews that I hardly know where to begin.
It all started with Mr. Flibble coming up to me and informing me that I was to go on a Top-Secret mission for the P.U. The Blue Footed Boobies had struck again, and times where desperate. It fell upon me, the P.U.'s most trusted human contact, to infiltrate the Boobies' most important bases. The Zoos.
You may laugh, but with their spies so close to the humans, they can do much to undermine the P.U, It was my job to turn spy against them. From zoo to zoo I traveled, listening, gathering data, pretending to be a scientist. Around about November of last year, I had gained the trust and respect of several Boobies, enough that they began to talk to me, befriending me. It is possible that they were only trying to use me, but never try to trick a spy. It was January before they found out what I really was.

I had to run....

for 6 months I ran and hid. I went to the warm places, hoping to avoid them. I saw the world. Japan, Australia, Brazil, South Africa, Madagascar, New Zealand. But they found me still. It was a vicious, vicious battle. Long into the New Zealand night we fought, under a blanket of falsely cheery stars. I was taking hostage.

When I awoke, I was laying in an igloo, somewhere in Antarctica. My journals, my radio, and my little stuffed Bed-Time Penguin Pal where all missing. I was wearing only my pajama bottoms, glow in the dark Einstein T-shirt, and Harry Potter socks. The air was putrid with the smell of blue feet. For a month I lay, surviving on sheer spite, without a scrap of knews.

And then it happened.

It was mid afternoon, and I had just finished with my daily torture of full tea and scones with clotted cream. I was so full of yummy goodness I could hardly move... At the mercy of Boobies with more Earl Gray and blueberry muffins, when I heard a familiar voice whisper in my ear from under the Waitress's veil. It was Mr. Flibble! He whispered in my ear "Don't worry, we've come to rescue you."
Just when they least suspected it, he jumped up and started to dance the Tango with a nearby Boobie. (It is commonly known that Boobies hate dancing) With this distraction, the rest of P.U. Special Forces slipped in and rescued me.

I'm in hiding now, so I won't say where I've gone. I hope to return to Hippy-Ville in another month or so.

--Kawfi out.

Russian is Good for the Soul

Disclaimer *While the writer of this article is no longer a part of soviet Russia, the view hereby expressed are not necessarily the views of the P.U. or it's employees* End Disclaimer.


I've decided to learn Russian, because it is good for your soul. Though the P.U. refuses to comment on the record, off of the record, Mr. Flibble and General Huggles generally agree with me. Something about a language that makes you sound homicidal is just good for you, even if it isn't for the mental health of your cohabitants.


Brainwashing Ingaged *LLLLEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRNNNNNN RRRRRRUUUUUUSSSSSSIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN* Brainwashing Disengaged


On a seperate note, the Boobies have been infiltrating our ranks, and General Huggle's life may be in grave danger. (Get it? GRAVE) P.U. forces are currently protecting him with the bulk of their effort into protecting him.

Crweller Out.

Penguin Love

Get in the mood for Valentine's Day with Penguintines! they're fun and easy to make.

step 1. fold a piece of black construction paper in half.

step 2. cut out the shape of half of a Penguin (strait bottom for feet, large ark for the body, little ark for the head)

Step 3. cut out white for the belly, use glues tick or tape to attach in the appropriate places. On the white belly, write out your message and then deliver it to a Penguin you care about!

Verry Merry Penguin X-mass

So I return from my holiday galavanting only to find a little pleasent Penguin surprise for me at home. HEY! that's MY FISH penguin game. The idea is that you run around with your four penguins and try to eat more fish in the ice flows that your opponent, but everytime you move, the block that you started on (with the fish in it, which is how you eat) dissapeers. You end up with a bunch of lonly and stranded Penguins.
Flible in formed me that this was subtle hint to the rest of the world about the effects of global warming and what it would mean for the Penguins and thier plans. "We have been working slowly towards out goal for years now, andsuddenly, we have to work ten times faster than we ever intended, so that we will have a home when the caps melt." Says Huggles. "This sudden change in stratagies will hurt out progress."
Flibble is forming a Board of Enviromental Communication to communicate with the outside world on the signifigance of the problems. "We have tried to get them to acknowlagde us as an intelligent species for ages, but the world leaders refuse to take us seriously." Flibble stated yesterday. "It's quite a problem. However, we hope that they wil take us more seriously after we T.P. all of Moscow, which we have ben thretening to do for months."
The T.P.ing of Moscow, as forementioned, has been an ongoing plan as an act of protest of the U.S.'s illtreatment of Penguin authority. I have tried to explain to them that Moscow is NOT part of the U.S., but once they have thier mind set in something, that's all they will believe and do.

Have you hugged your Penguin today?

Happy Feet Review

This is the long awaited review of the new Penguin movie Happy Feet, on the Famous Dr. Kawfi Penguin Rating Scale.

1 Penguin: Where is my Katana? 2 Penguins: I'm going to be sick 3 Penguins: "eh, whatever"
4 Penguins: A cheary O.K. 5 Penguins: I'm putting the couch over there.

Storyline:
4 Penguins, The story is about a small baby Emperor Penguin named Mumble, who can't sing. As singing is an essential part of Penguin life and finding a mate, he has a difficult childhood. He also is always dancing. He is happens upon a smaller breed of rock Penguin who find mates with shiny stones. Hye befriends them and tries to get his colony to accept him and ends up on a quest to save the fish from the Humans to prove that it's not his fault that there is no food.
It is an old ishue from a new perspective, as well as imaginative spin on real life ishues.

Charactors:
5 Penguins. Every Penguin was different and origenal.

P.U. Accuracy:
4 Penguins. The large scene where they were all dancing at the end is the most accurate to the parties at the P.U. (You don't know what you're missing) The small rock Penguins were more like the Penguins that make up the P.U. though, and Emperor Penguins arn't that uptight.

General Species Accuracy:
5 Penguins, they realy did thier research on Penguins and thier lives.

General Score:
4 Penguins, It was a little of a surprise and not realy quite as advertised. But it was a good film and I suggest you attend it.

Next film on the list~ March of the Penguins

New Species Discovered.

So, flibble and I were walking around Marie Byrd Land, looking at the endless ice and uninteresting things that were around. when he suggested that we visit his Nefew. So off we went on a perfectly ordinary Antarctic day, miserable, cold, and just plain cranky. When we reached "Killer's" house, I was shocked to discover that he was actualy an unheard of species. It seems that his mother was a killer whale and his father, well, Flibble's brother. An unusual combination I admit. But Killer was verry friendly despite his name and... appearence. As a Penguin reporter I couldn't help interviewing him and posting his picture for all to view.

He is a very intelligent being and often helped make important decisions for General Huggles before he switched sides and became an advisor for the red footed boobies. (all the more reason to try to get them on our side)
Here is an interview clip with Killer.

Me: So Killer, how did your father react when you switched sides and began to support the Red Boobie Clan?

Killer: Well, he never realy found out, you see, when I was little, he got sick, and Mum ended up eating him to keep herself alive. Shortly after that she left me, I havn't seen her in years.

Me: That's so sad, how did you live? It must have been very hard.

Killer: It wasn't realy, except that I'm so large that it takes alot to feed me. *starts to sniffle*

Me: *pulls out handkerchief* Did Flibble raise you?

K: A little, he poped in now and then to make sure I was doing okay. That I wasn't starving and stuff like that.

M: How did he react when you defected?

K: He was very angry. He had gone through alot of effort to get me a nice job advising and using my enormus brian. When I switched sides he felt betrayed, and didn't come to visit me anymore. But I saved his life a few years ago and then he began to realize that just because I had switched sides of the political battle didn't mean that I was HIS enemy. I was still the same old Killer.

M: How are you two today?

(Flibble interupted me at this point to bring in tea)

Flibble: We're doing fine, Murdock. I love my Nefew.

M: I wanted to hear it from him, Flibble. *sips tea*

K: Well, he's quite right, we're on good terms now, but it is hard for us because The Red Footed Boobies and the P.U. are on the brink of civil war. It's tearing apart families everywhere. Flibble and I have to stick close because we're the only family each other has now.

*End*

That heartwarming quote from Killer will haunt me the rest of my life.
Killer is quite right too, the thret of civil war is distressing everyone, and tearing apart many families. So stick close to your loved ones and remind yourself that there are always situations worse off than you.

Penguins March

Penguin funraisers have moved from the clothing industry to the movie business. Now every Penguin moie has 20% of it's proceeds go to the P.U. Soon I'm going to go and see the new movie Happy Feet, which seems promising. I will review it here alfter I have seen it for all of you to enjoy.

The newest ishue in Penguin scociety is the ishue of female Penguins right to have abortions. Most of the girls say they want the right, but some of the Booby Penguins are being spoil sports and saying that it isn't fair to the Penguins that could be. General Huggles is slowly trying to wim them over by accepting soem of thier views, but Flibble strongly urged him not to take thier side on this ishue.
"Yes, the support of the Boobies, particularly the Blue footed Boobies would be a good asset to gaining controll in Penguin Scociety and promoting the P.U.'s ideas, however, we must keep the followers we have while trying to gain new ones, or we'll end up with none at all. " Flibble siad yesterday.
The ishue is growing predominatly in the norther Queen Maud land, but over in Wilks Land, they have verry diferent concerns.
"Lepord seals have grown a tremendous amount in the past months, we have lost children and wives who have gone hunting, anf several men have died of exposure." Says one Penguin.
Experts believe that global warming may have some cause in the seal's over active behavior.
More after this break.

Cafe Press

Yes, I finaly got it. The one, the only, the long awaited Cafe Press account. (insert dramatic music here)

It includes Penguin Knews merchandise to help the Penguins pay my way through collage. I'm not asking you buy anything, but please go and check it out. It also has merchandise that boasts my art and hopefully soon my short stories and poems will be there for sale in PUBLISHED FORM!!!! (woot!!!!!) I Love Cafe Press!!! It is my FREIND! Anyhoos, I'm adding a link to it in it's own special catagory devoted to me and my interneting. Google knows who I am!!! That's right! I am tomarrow's internet Superstar! The Penguins are verry happy with this decision and hope to get back to you with more Knews soon.

New Base Created!

After much fear and deliberation, the new Penguin Base is up and runnin, just as effective, just as random, and closer the capitol than ever before! We hope that from our new Location we can better influence things going on in the country, while at the same time go unnoticed in Hippyville.
The Penguins have enterede me in a Penguin controlled school that is much better than the ones in Newport, and my education is streaming.

The Penguin defense systems have worked, and the P.U. is getting back on it's feet thanks to supporters like you. As you can see, I have been hard at work finding Penguin Related links to post at the right of the screen for you to enjoy. And remember, every time you click on one, you've saved a baby Penguin from the Janitors! Support the P.U. today!

Showdown

Dunkin Doughnuts and Starbucks have long been enemies. It was a well known controversy from day one, and the coffee chain was wining. But now, Dunkin Doughnuts has challanged the worlds fast coffee superpower. They are on operation expantion and will be for an upward of 14 years!
A Penguin associate, Mr. Quak, has been working out the details of this controversy for the last ten years of his life. As leader of the Controversy and Arguement Department (CAD) he has spent much of his spare time, thinking up problems. Of course, the majority of the department's time goes to manipulating Elelctions and such. Quak has devoted much his alleged "spare Time" to this project, and hopes to recieve a good pay off from it.
"The P.U. owes me over a thousand shiny stones in overtime." HE declared proudly. Unfortunatly, Flibble claims that he will not recieve the pay, untill the P.U. is finachally sound again.
"As soon as our American branch has set up a base again, we will get more money from the individuals of America." This means that a whole third of your Tax dollars are actualy going to the Penguins, though this fact is not realized by the President. As soon as our base is set up, the money will come in a steady flow.
Quak was dissapointed when he heard that he would not be recieving pay for a plan that he put into action and that promises great sucsess for the P.U.'s Discordian sect.
The DIscordian sect is a new and experimental program that the Penguins have been running for almost three months now. Discordians who wish to become part of the sect in order to help the penguins induce chaos and take part in those wild saturday night staff partys, must contact thier nearest Penguins base. Mr.Flibble will not divulge any other information on the sect at this point in time.

Penguins Go Into Hibernation!

Some veriatys of Penguins in the northermost parst of Queen Maudland, the area of anarctica where the P.U. is based, are planning to go into hibernation as a precaution for global warming.
We tried to explain to them that the P.U. has the technology to render them, invurnrable to heat, but the civilians are convienced that the death of there cities is near.
If you were to go to antarctica now you would encounter thousands, nay millions of Penguins marching south to the center of thier icy relm. Once there, they will dig giant tunnels through the ice and attempt to hibernate.
"It will be hard to stop eating the caviar, but I've been eating as much as I can along the way and hope to not get hungry durring the hibernation."
Althogh they do not know how long it will be untill the next ice age occurs, when they hope to revive, some Penguins plan on hibernating for over two hundred years. Officials have done thier best to put the Civilian's minds at ease, but so far havn't managed to keep the birds from marching on thier way.

Notice

I have deleated some dead links, but I'm not sure if they dissapeered. The ones that are no longer in service are "What Penguins Do For Fun" "Teens are stupid" And "kitty go phsyco"

I dream of Penguins

I dream...
You dream....
We all dream of the plans of the great nuclear destructor ray that will eat us in our sleep if we are bad children.


The P.U. is is under seige. In an effort to conserve thier great cause, they have been sending all thier plans for weapons and such into the dreams of loyal supports who apply in hopes that they can set up from scratch in the new Oregon base that I am working on finding. I applied, being required to, and found my dreams bombarded with intricate mathmatics and codes and incoded names and some Brainbuster puzzles to work on on the weekends. It was hell. At least at first. Out of sympathy, Flibble made me a special machine so when I wake up in the morning, it will record everything and leave my mind fresh and blank aas the before coffee place.

Mr.Flibble himself didn't sign up. The UN has implanted shuper sheecret shpy equipment into the minds of almost every Penguin in the P.U. To keep them from discovering thier secrets, they have called on us puny humans to do thier work and record thier noble findings.
WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH PEOPLE!. No one involved with the P.U. is getting a decent nights sleep. Don't you love us? If you do, you should help us fight the U.N. secret scociety of Janitors by signing up to recieve information. DO NOT WRITE ANY OF IT DOWN!!!!! We can not risk the Janitors finding out such precious information. The plans for the machine to extract the information from your brain at the apropriate time anr safly encoded in a secret location that I can not divulge. Once you sign up, you will dream of shit you probably don't even understant, making you a perfect storage place for such precious cargo. People instictivly fear what they don't understand, don't like to think about it, and there for leave it alone.

SIGN UP NOW!

Write your name and the password for acsess to your dreams on a slip of 100% recyled hemp paper and bury in soft peate for three months. Then eat it.

What? What was that? You don't know the password to your dream?! You're more stupid than we thought...

Penguin Fundraisers.

Horible things in Antarctica!
Stock Market crashes!
Flibble is Homeless!
I only have 11 minutes and 5 seconds untill my library turn is up!

Baisically,
The P.U. and the Penguin scociety had an independant stock market, as the world leaders didn't think that civilians should know about Penguin intelligance. So, there was a run on the banks due to an interesting accident invloving Flibble and a giant snowball and the stock market went boom. Now we are trying to keep the angry mob that destroyed Flibble's house from killing him.
Got to run, 6 minutes left and lots to do.

American Penguin Base Unstable

The P.U. Base that I have been housing for the last two years is now unstable. That is to say, in a state of transition. I'm moving. I tried to explain to my parents that this should be a smooth and eficient move, to avoid disturbing the P.U's important work, as this IS the main American branch. They just didn't seem to understand,... pity. Anyway, now they are rushing around trying to find a temporary home for the base for the rest of the month.
On a lighter note, the P.U. has devolped a new plan.. again. This one is working well. They have infiltrated and attacked the media to a state of popularity. Panguins are everywhere.
If you are a P.U. suporter, buy Penguin junk! 10% of all proceeds go to fundraising.

Figi Poisen Kills Hundreds

Figi has begun to revolt against the Penguins in the most imaginative way imaginable! They have poisened the Figi Island Spring water with a special chemical that is leathal to Penguins, but harmless to everything else, unfortunatly, the poisen tastes like shit, and they will hopefully be taken down from the inside by a secret spy who will put a pinch on salt in the water to enhance the awfulness of the taste. More will be disclosed later, and in the meantime, boycott the FIgi Water and it's evil ways!

Trouble with the UN

Not again. The UN has turned on us, partly because they want the power for themselves and partly because the Penguins did not promise tax breaks. Nothing is more anoying than having to buy loyalty. Thats why I'm a valued asset to the Penguin's plan, At least, that's what I was told by General Huggles.

On the subject of global warming....

Yes, glogal warming is a sad and unfortunate event that effects even the Penguin's everyday lives. Most Penguin's in the faculty agree on a National ban on cars, cole plants, and other green house gas expelling things, but not everyone is happy. The Purist Penguins ( talked about here http://penguinknews.blogspot.com/2006/03/types-of-penguins.html )
Say that cars are a nifty way to go about, and that the Bahamahs are better than the South Pole anyway. This is causing serious doubts among the Penguin Civilians about world domination.

" I't sound's like an awful lot of work." Says one. " I mean, I have a wife and two kids and that's responsibility enough for me, what are we going to do woth the entire planet? "

" For hundreds of years, we Penguins have kept to ourselves, and for good reason."
Much worry is spreading around the Penguin faculty, but General Huggles assured us that he had peacefull means of settling them down.

No, It's not dead

I appologize to any readers I might have for not updating lately, but I've truly been swamped. I warn all now that these long, dramatic pauses may continue throughout the next few weeks, untill school is out. Now what of this whole UN thing? you ask, hoping to get me to reviel my secrets.Well, have no fear, clouded civillian, for I will tell all. The newest tactic is named, Operation UN Expansion. That's right, the UN is in league with the Penguins, and are aiming for total world controll. The UN plans to gain controll of all the countries in the world through the use of peacefull cooperation and reasoning. Once they have achieved this, the truth will be exposed to the general public, and the power will be turned over to the Penguins. When questioned on why the career driven general Huggles decided to take Flibble's advise and let another country do the work, rather than operating solely with out human help, he replied,

" Even a Penguin needs a vacation, I'm thinking Hawaii or Mexico. You know, somewhere sunny where I can catch a tan after 18 months on this misersble plain of Antarctica. Home made lemonade would be nice too. "

He figures that this way, he can kick back and relax, but still get the glory of being a leader. That, and the problems of getting the UN to turn over the power once they've gained it will be turned to his second in command, who is a little explosive happy.

The school Janitors in the UN, have been serving as spies for a while now into the super secret ring of Janitor rebels. With thier help, we may be able to stop the Mop weilding murderers in thier tracks.

The Newest Plot

Much debate has occured over the Penguin's newest plot.... To claim Hawaii. Those for the plot say that it is a small chain of islands that the mainland ignores, It's part of America, and the more of them they have the better. And let's fdace it, It's warm and sunny.

Those against mainly say that there are too many people, it's too warm, and that Penguins would be noticed. They want to claim some of the smaller islands around Chile first, and the Galopagus, so the scientists can continue working on thier theory that humans evolved after penguins and arn't as intellegent.

General Huggles Is torn. Hawaii is his favorite vacationing spot, but he widly supports the scientists.

Flibble is extreamist towards Hawaii. He claims it will be the biggest leap yet in World Domination, plus, he likes the sun.

I Talked to God

Seriously, no, I didn't pray, praying is for idiots who can't hold a proper conversation. It went like this... ( m = me, g = God )

M: Hi, this is me, are you listening?

G: Yes.

M: Listen, not to interrupt you from all your high and mighty business, but I need some clearification.

G: About what?

M: Why are you asking, you're supossed to know this stuff.

G: Look, I don't have time to read EVERYONE'S mind. Give me a break.

M: Sorry... Uh,... Now what.

( At this point, Eris entered the conversation. She will be represented by E. )

E: I'm bored.

M/G: Oh dear.

M: What havoc will you cause today?

G: Will I have to stop you from blowing up firehydrants again?

E: * shifty look * No...

M: 100% BELEIVABLE!

G: *points* Satirists.

M: Ya point oh omnipotent one?

G: I don't know, I just had one of those moments.

E: One of,... THOSE moments?

G: Shut up.

M: Hah! GOD HAS WET DREAMS! * lmao *

E: I won't even tell you -

G: Than don't.

M: Well, this certainly has brightened up MY math class.

G: You shouldn't take up valuable learning time.

M: Don't you WANT me to talk to you?? * puppy eyes *

G: * sighs *

E: Is that a LIGHTER?!

M/G: NO! NOT THE LIGHTER!

( at this point, there was a loud BOOM! as a nearby gas truck blew into a billion pieces, hurting no one. )

M: That's our Eris.

G: Why do I put up with you people?

M/E: Good question. we don't know the answer, you must find it within.

( Now, my friends flute ( which has a personality ) Entered. His name is represented by Z )

Z: Within. Teehee.

To Be Continued... (insert dramatic music. )

Slow Posting

Many have complained, bugged, and just generally harrased me about posting here. Look, not to bust your dreamy bubles, but I actualy have a life... No, seriously, I bought it at " LIVES ARE US " not to long ago for way too much money. Just a bit of advise for all, never do that, it's not worth it.

Moving on to more interesting topics, the Janitor uprising is worse than we suspected. They are infiltrating our verry ranks and are making the Penguins nervous. Not an emergency yet, but General Huggles is having trouble rallying his troops and raising thier spirits. I'm doing okay with mine, but the PR job is so important now that they might be taken away. I don't mind a bit. Anything helps.

Note To Suporters:

Write a letter to a Penguin troop giving suport and admiration and turn it in to your nearest outpost. Anything helps. Please. We have already lost an entire quarter of the population to the Purist side.

If youcanreadthisdon'taskme

I mean it, don't ask. No! Get off my back man! STOP IT!
XD Joke, I mean, it's not April yet or anything, but I figured, Knews is slow, and I need to post somthing before my readers eat me. XP Tee Hee.

Types of Penguins

The commonly asked question is, " are all the Penguins taking over the world, the same type f Penguin? " The answer: No. Some Penguins are what we call Purists. They believe that every animal on earth has it's place and that rulling isn't the place of the penguin, or humans would be a minority. This beleif is more generly adopted by, but not limited to, the " booby " variety of Penguins. The Blue Footed Boobies in paticular are troublesome. There are a few that support us, and they are doing thier best to convert the rest.
The Emperor Penguins, like General Huggles, started the whole revolt, and so they tend to hold the higher positions in the Army hiarchy. Flibble is a different type of penguin, I forget which, and is on a mission right now to meet with some contacts from the Red Footed Booby clan. Huggles is hopeing that they will have some new insight on a weapon the Penguins are developing.

Army update, my men are currently moving up into the Rocky Mountains, hopeing that they will give them at least a little snow cover so they can make it into Canada, where the Caribu have started an Anti - Penguin establishment that we hope to dispose of in the next few weeks.

Summery: Don't feel bad for the Blue Footed Boobies and go Caribu hunting, you will be rewarded.

Janitor Uprising Update

Unfortunatly, The Janitor rivolt is much worse that anticipated. After all the Penguins were recued, they took a month off to regroup. Now they've come to the south pole wielding mops and lazers hidden in brooms... Luckily, I was able to " Redirect " them to the North Pole, So we have a bit to plan, but not long. The Janitor are not easily fooled.

Itallians Try to Prove Jesus's Exsistance

In January, a priest was sued for printing in his pamphlet that Jesus existed. The Man pressing charges has asked the court to prove the exsitance of Jesus and there for, God. The Penguins call this " Religous Destablazation " Thier thoery is that if people don't know what to believe, they will absorb ideas better. This was planned by the combined eforts of me, Mr. Flibble, and General Huggles. It is hoped that this will make the Idea of Penguin rule seem sensible. " If no one knows what to do or believe, they will be glad to accept us if we promise to lead them to a sound path to God. " Flibble said yesterday.

Penguins Arn't Christians

As to what they are, I'm not sure. Lately they have been up to some wide spread, ground breaking,trouble. A spy and worker in Italy, is pressing charges against the Roman Catholic Church for " Abuse of Popular belief," " Religios Racism," And " The impersonation of others of a false name. " All this clever talk means, the cort is being asked to prove that Jesus Christ exsistd.More on this topic will be disclosed later.

Exclusive!

Janitors in schools everywhere have been ploting against the Penguins. Yesterday, three Penguins were rescued from the tunnels beneath Yaquina View Elementry school in Newport, Oregon.
All Penguin supporters on alert! Alert! Alert! If you go to a school, any school, start a protest of the mistreatment of Penguins. If you make the news, think of how maney other supporters you could reach. No other news is available.

Marching Out

I am moving my command to Chile by boat. When they get there, i will march them up the Andies to the Galopogus. Once there, we will wait for boats to Japan. Why Japan? Who knows?

Happity Skippity

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! I just got the notice, I now command an entire THIRD of the P. U. Army! ( No more gross dead people! ) I've already been introduced to the guys, and the really exciting news is that I can now give much more information on Penguin movements.

Mr. Flibble

Maney People have asked about my dear friend, Mr. Flibble, so here is his story in his own words.

Q: Who were you parents?

A: Mr. and Mrs. Alfred Flibble. They were middle class Penguins. My father owned a cozy nest where i grew up, and introduced me to General Huggles, who lived next door.

Q:You said, they " were " your parents, what hapened to them?

A: My father got eaten by a leapord seal and i don't know where my mother went.

Q: How did you get into such an influential position?

A: After I left home, I stumbled onto a P. U. meeting by acident. General Huggles couldn't let me go because I had heard too much, so he offered me a position instead. I started as an office cleark and climbed the ladder in the traditional way.One Day, i was told to find a sutable house to be a host for a Penguin Base. I narrowed down my choices like this.

1. A small city close to the ocean.

2.A house with a P. U. supporter living in it.

3.Interesting inhabitents

4. The house looked good

I landed on Murdock's house. When I found out she had a position and needed a Penguin represenative, i quickly volenteered. Her good Ideas and advise pushed me further up the ladder.

Interview exerpt from the soon to come, "The Life of Mr. Flibble " By Murdock Kawfi

Scocial News

Okay, here's the gossip for the week. General Huggles ( A verry important Penguin you'll be hearing more about as time goes by ) was married to an increadably sexy Penguin named Ophelia. ( When I say " sexy " I'm quoting Mr. Flibble, they all the same to me. )

Brains!

Now, about the meeting mentioned in the last post,.... By popular demand, I've been put in command of a large portion of the army of undead. It's not as much fun as you'd think. Most of the soldiers can only learn two or three words, ans already know them. Thier vocabulary consists of, " Brains! , " Kill! ", and " Blood! " As you can imagine, this makes it hard to comunacate. Luckily, Mr. flibble is vouching for me to get a better command. If you'd like to help, click on the link that says "Watch me eat you brain! "

Dead People

I discovered that a great number of people suposedly dead have just retired into Penguin scociety. I was down in antarctica for a P. U. meeting when Mr. Flibble offered to show me around. He took me to a disterict reserved for retired human spys and workers. The houses were HUGE! I met ans talked to trhe following people.

Albert Einstien - Talk about getting on in the years. he is a close friend of Mr. Flibble and still works for the Penguins to help build and design gadgets. When I entered his house, he was bobbing around the roof wearing a pair of anti - gravity boots.

Hitchcock - He never worked for the Penguins, but the admired him so much that they offered him a place to stay.

Marilyn Monroe - yes, THE Marilyn Monroe, I found her pretty......anoying.

Elvis Prestly - he anoyed me to. He never actualy SPYED for the penguins ( he WAS supposed to, though ) they keep him because they belive that , had thier plan suceeded, he would have been the key element.

Dr. Suess - His books depict the way the world will be when penguins rule, wierd, whacky, and fun. he will always be considered the greatest propaganda wrighter on this planet. ( To honor Dr. Suess, buy a copy of " Oh! The Places You'll Go! " )

Douglas Adams - He was cool.

Circular Math

I was doing my math homework one night when I got stuck, so I asked Mr. Flibble for help. When he could't get the algebra to wrap around my thick skull, he told me about a secret form of penguin mathmatics called circular math. The baisic law of circular math is this, " You always end with whatever you started with." The most baisic equation is (A + B ) - ( C + D ) = A.
This was the first circular math problem to ever be written by a human, thanks to our dear friend, Leonardo Da ' Vinci. First invented by Da ' Vinci, ( I absolutaly adore Da 'Vinci, he was a Penguin spy ) the circular math is used widespread through out Penguin scociety. Although it has little use except in reference to itself, it no doubt inspired Douglass Adams to write about the Infinate Improbability Drive in his book, " The Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy. "

Christmas With the Penguins

Flibbles and I are all decked out for the holidays. My present to all my readers is a Penguin! See!